February 2, 2009 by esarsea
I hate cigarettes. Absolutely hate ’em. They stink, they make you stink, and they’re (by and large) socially unacceptable. They’re expensive, they’re addicting, they’re messy and they cause a multitude of health problems. According to the Department of Health and Human Services Center for Diesase Control and Prevention, an estimated 443,000 people die prematurely from smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke EACH YEAR – and another 8.6 million have a serious illness caused by smoking.
I’ve been smoking, for the most part, since I was 18 years old. I’ll be turning 54 this month. That’s 36 years of being an inconsiderate and selfish walking stinkpot, slowly killing myself and those exposed to me.
The best I’ve been able to do, up until now, is quit for 2 years back in 2005. Then in 2007 Mary-Anne and I went to Las Vegas for vacation. Being the idiot I am, I said “Hey, let’s just smoke this week while we’re in Vegas and quit again when we get home.” Great fucking idea, moron. Nearly 3 years later I’m still puffing on the damn things. I guess not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas like the TV commericals suggest.
My father died from a stoke, likely caused by smoking. My father in law just died less than 2 months ago from smoking-related medical issues. My mother has smoking-related respiratory issues, and has an oxygen tank at home. I just finished a stress test at the Cardiologist due to some chest discomfort accompanied by an irregular pulse, and have been diagnosed with early emphasema.
In my years as a Fire Department Paramedic I repeatedly witnessed the long term effects of smoking on others. Some of them made it to the hospital. Many of them did not.
I haven’t had a cigarette in 6 days. Until a few minutes ago that us. I just put one out. What the hell is wrong with me? Fuck!!!
God willing, it was a temporary lapse of sanity. I’ve got a prescription for nicotine inhalers and I’m sucking on them pretty much non-stop. I’ve got teeth marks in the little plastic holders, and my jaw and teeth literally ache from chewing on them.
I guess there really isn’t a point to my rambling. I’m typing this into my computer at my desk at work, instead of going outside and having another cigarette. Maybe putting this down in print will help. It’s can’t hurt.
You know, I’d like to think I’m not an idiot. I’d like to think I’m not WEAK. Unfortunately, my actions would suggest otherwise. I am frustrated, and I am pissed off.
Thanks for the ear.