December 20, 2011 by esarsea

Thankfully, there’s only a few more days of TV commercials for jewelry, electric shavers and computer-animated polar bears drinking Coca Cola.

Jaded? No. Just not into it. Tired of losing loved ones for the holidays. I’m 3 for 3 so far, and this last one was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I can’t stand going to the store. Christmas carols playing in the background cloud my vision. I haven’t done any shopping yet, and I’m not sure I am going to. Not out of bitterness or anger. I’m just tired. Very tired. Sad. Unmotivated.

I’m trying to “suck it up” and put on my happy face. It’s not fair to my wife, kids and grandkids to selfishly withdraw; curled up in a fetal position somewhere in the back reaches of my childhood memories – but there I am.

It’s supposed to be getting better. It only gotten worse.

I know it’s time to put on my big-boy pants, quit my whining and get my shit together. Yeah, I know. I know. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow.


6 thoughts on “Christmas

  1. torqdog says:

    I’m soo sorry to hear how much this continues to pain you. I dunno, this song might help show you’re not alone. One of the few songs LaBrie has written, I believe it was after his mother passed.

    Why, tell me the reasons why
    Try, still I don’t understand
    Will I ever feel this again
    Blue sky, I’ll meet you in the end
    Free them, free the memories of you
    Free me, and rest ’til I’m with you

    A day like today
    My whole world has been changed
    Nothing you say
    Will help ease my pain

    Turn, I’ll turn this slowly round
    Burn, burn to feel alive again
    She, she’d want me to move on
    See me, this place I still belong
    Give chase, to find more than I have found
    And face, this time now on my own

    Days disappear
    And my world keeps changing
    I feel you here
    And it keeps me sane

    So I’m moving on
    I’ll never forget
    As you lay there and watched me
    Accepting the end
    I knew you were scared
    You were strong I was trying
    I gave you my hand
    I said it’s okay letting go time to leave here
    And I’ll carry on
    The best that I can without you here beside me
    Let him come take you home

    • esarsea says:


      I enjoyed the written lyrics, but the song didn’t do much for me musically. Is this the new album with the new drummer?

      • torqdog says:

        No, this album was released back in 2003 if me memory serves correct. This tune is a total departure from their normal routine. I didn’t like it at all up until my Dad died 2 years ago and it’s been growing on me ever since in an aquired taste sort of way. Watching them do it live on the “Live at Budokan” DVD enhances the experience though it still deals with a VERY somber subject. I too really enjoy the lyrics.

  2. BigJeff says:

    Whining? Naw. I detest the hypocrites and their crass commercialism. Wife & kids? Who dey is? Wifey moves out after Haloween. She don’t come back till after New Year’s Day. I’m never quite sure what that is that took her place…until this year.

    After some discussion, she stated quite plainly that she understands now and if it was OK with me, she would handle Christmas with “her” money this year…OK with me. and she’s done it and it helped…and I’m glad. And she’s sane. And I am not morose, even after I lost my baby brother back a few months…No malls for me this year.

    There is a god.

    • esarsea says:

      Thanks FDOL. Very sorry about your little bro. If you discussed him over on the forum I must have missed it. I tend to just scan the new posts real quick…don’t spend the time there that I used to.

  3. Bill says:

    Just walked by the blog and saw this and you all know the symptoms as well as I do. And I’ve sought help when the grief and blues hit a level that made it difficult to take a full breath or see anything but a grey world; all bright color-even when staring you in the face, loses its’ luster and energy.

    Get thyself to a harbor pilot who can help steer through the fog, anyone who’s feeling overwhelmed, or, uncharacteristically detached from it all. This time of year makes normal, well-adjusted people go insane, let alone those of you who are dealing with a loss so near to you.

    That’s just my personal opinion. You may already be dealing with it all that you can now.

    Best wishes-

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